Something There is That Doesn't Love a Wall

This week has been crazy! First thing Monday morning, I drove across town to the Courthouse where the judge signed my final divorce decree ending 8 years, 10 months, and 3 weeks of a nightmare of a marriage. I've felt every human emotion in the days that have followed. As is my custom, I confide the most personal, emotionally vulnerable things of my heart to my friend, Bruce. I am so glad he's not a writer because he would have novels to fill with the things he has learned about me over the past 16 months. He mentioned something interesting....the idea that he, like me, had been putting up walls in his life. Immediately, I thought of the Robert Frost poem, "Mending Walls." Something about me doesn't love a wall. I don't want to keep people out, and I certainly have learned the danger of trying to keep people in, so what good is a wall when you are neither invested in keeping people in nor in keeping people out?
I think the natural thing is to want to retreat to this place where I am anti-relationship, anti-marriage, and anti-woman, but, as someone pointed out to me this week, that is not who I am by very nature. I love relationships, hence my chosen profession. I believe in marriage, hence my chosen profession. I love women. I mean, have you met my mom? How could I ever hate women when I've had my mom around my entire life? So, I have been trying to live without walls and love without boundaries, but it's hard when you understand that relationships only work when both people are completely committed. I think my only real fear about relationships is that even if we give our all and put forth all of our energy to make it work, if the other person doesn't, it will not work. Ironically, this is the beauty of the nature of relationships: one emotionally healthy person making an informed decision to share life's journey either in whole or in part with another emotionally healthy person. When we try to keep people out, we only rob ourselves of the gift of being truly loved.
I guess you can say that was my ex-wife's parting gift to me. Somehow, she taught me that, and I am thankful for the lesson. How much wiser we would be if we, like Frost, insisted, when told that "good fences make good neighbors", that "before I built a wall I’d ask to know what I was walling in or walling out and to whom I was like to give offence. Something there is that doesn't love a wall, that wants it down." Maybe this is weird coming from a divorcee like me, but I challenge you not to build a wall around your heart. Even if you've been hurt before and feel that you can't trust again, you cannot give up on love. You cannot wall out the most sublime of all human emotions. You can't wall in the feeling of safety and security is that only found in the loving arms of another. To whom might you give offence? You might give offence to God who is the Author of love, the Creator of the very thing within us that causes us to gravitate towards another. Do I believe in love? Do I believe in healthy relationships? Do I believe in eternal marriage? The answer is a resounding yes! Indeed, something there is that simply doesn't love a wall, and that part of me wants it down.

That's Not My Life Anymore

As I prepared to make my return trip to Georgia after visiting the kids in Utah, I stopped by their apartment to say goodbye and give them hugs. That was when I learned that they had taken a weekend getaway while we were trying to locate them for my daughter's baptism. As my sister would say, it was all foolishness. About the time I arrived, my older brother called me. In a moment of frustration, I explained to him what had happened over the weekend. His response shocked me. It didn't add to the fire of frustration. Instead, he said, "Aren't you glad that's not your life anymore. I mean, you have the option of visiting the madness then going home to peace and order." It was at that point, that I truly realized what a blessing ending the marriage had been. That is not my life anymore. I can determine how much of it all affects me and my day. Truly, I only have to deal with it when I pick up the kids and drop them off. Other than that, my life is one of peace, order, happiness, and joy. As long as I focus on that, I am able to find the patience to deal with the foolishness.

A Second Chance at a First Time

After much thought, I decided that my experiences as a re-singled Latter-day Saint is  not unique. Certainly, when I knelt at the altar of the temple and made a covenant for all eternity, I had hoped to arrived at some years far in excess of eight and a half, but such is life. I won't devote space to the antics of my former spouse, but I think it warrants mentioning that she has created some drama in my life.
Recently, I attended my first real social event since the marriage ended....an institute activity. I realized that I hadn't really been active in institute as a college student, basically because I was married for most of college and had cut off most of my social contacts within the first year or so of marriage. I realized in that moment that I was being given a second chance to do somethings for the very first time, and I felt free and happy.
I have been blessed to have as my profession Marriage and Family Therapy. I use a model of therapy known as Narrative Therapy which basically assumes that we are the authors of our own life stories. This perspective in therapy allows my client to take control of their lives and create stories that are less self-defeating and that promote growth and health. I would rather not begin to list the many people who have assisted me on my journey to my second chance because I don't want to leave anyone out, so I will say thanks to everyone who has inspired this blog.