Being an Open Book at the Level of the Heart

In my professional life, I am privileged to work with individuals who are attempting to overcome their addiction to pornography. Perhaps, this is where I draw some of my greatest inspiration and satisfaction in my work. In a recent session, I was very impressed to share with my client that a large part of the solution is to increase his emotional honesty with his wife thus increasing the level of emotional intimacy in their marriage. The thought was if he went to her when he was tired, overwhelmed, or feeling inadequate instead of to pornography, he would be able to reduce his dependency on pornography to help him deal with those feelings. The results, according to the client, have been wonderful and he and his wife now share a relationship that they had not shared throughout their entire marriage which spans almost two decades.

I share that story to provide a background from what I wanted to share in this post. I have not been very emotionally honest with those close to me. This is a bit of a confession of sorts. For the past several months, I have been struggling internally and seeking to mask it with humorous Facebook posts, trips to the mall, Kitchen Therapy, or just plain lying and telling everyone that I am doing well and life is grand. The truth is I have really been having a hard time dealing with the way my life has turned out. Although I will never second guess the wisdom in ending my marriage, I had no idea how tough it would be to accept the natural consequences of that decision. In many ways, my children seem to be strangers to me because I am not involved in the daily aspects of their lives like I once was. I get second hand, past tense accounts of things in their lives to which I have previously been very present.  The financial consequences of the divorce have left me in a state of near depression because what I am allowed to keep barely pays my bills and surely leaves very little room for Retail Therapy.

In recent weeks, I have noticed that I have really been pulling away from the people who know my heart inside and out because those are the ones who will share my pain. I am sorry. I have also just decided to limit my contact with people because I don’t want to have to fake being alright nor do I want everyone attempting to fix my problems. My solution has been to lose myself in the gospel of Jesus Christ. Well, when the scriptures say that whosoever shall lose his life shall find it, truer words were never spoken. The truth is I draw my strength from my emotional connections with people. That is one of the things that allow me to avoid being burned out my job. I thrive on being connected to people, even if for a brief moment in time.  Some people may have noticed recently that I have made more of an effort to reach out to you. In fact, some old friends who did not hear from me during the time I was married may have or will shortly be getting phone calls.

So, many may be wondering why I am in such a funk. Well, in the spirit of true emotional honesty, I will answer. I am quite lonely. My entire life has been spent with and doing for others. For the first time in my life, I am solely responsible for taking care of my daily needs with no real distractions. There are no breakfasts for the kids, ironing a shirt for the wife, baking for the surprise family dinner, ect that once dominated my life. There is no rush to get home to a family waiting or even anxiety about the trip home taking longer than expected. There are no phone calls in the middle of the day reminding me to stop by the grocery store on the way home or calls about the neat things the kids did during the day. There is no other body—warm, cold, or otherwise—on the pillow next to me, no one to even accidently throw their arms around me in the middle of the night or hog the covers. It’s funny what you miss when you live alone. So, yeah, this is a very different life from the one I’ve been living for 31.75 years (that’s a gentle reminder that my birthday is in three months in case you need to start saving now—Italian leather footwear is always an appropriate gift!). I think that up until now, because I’ve been so emotionally dishonest, I haven’t been able or even willing to give full attention to being in a relationship with anyone. Maybe it’s also because I attempted to be so emotionally honest in my last dating relationship, and I was basically criticized for my honesty. Let’s be honest, her exact reaction was, “You ARE crazy. What are you smoking?” I think that reaction took me back to a similar time when I attempted to make an emotional disclosure to my wife at the time about my feelings of grief over the death of our child and other things that were going on and she responded, “I can’t take on your stress right now, and I can’t show you any empathy.” Somehow, I’ve gotten the message that being emotionally honest gives people the right to reject and abandon me, so I’ve taken selective emotional honesty to a whole new level. Well, now that it’s all out on the table and I’ve cleared the air, I am hoping to maintain this level of honesty and enrich my relationships with those that I have chosen to have remain in my life. I also challenge each of you to increase your emotional honesty with those you hold near and dear.

I Can't Steady the Ark

One of the stories in the Old Testament that has always intrigued me has been the story of the men who were struck down for attempting the steady the Ark of the Covenant. It seemed to me that they acted out of a place of concern for that which is holy. In fact, the place where the Ark rested was called the Holy of Holies.  One of my beliefs about stories that are recorded in the scriptures is that they were recorded for a reason. It has taken me many years to understand, even in part, why that story was included. It wasn’t until today that I think I understand.

My day started earlier than usual due to being informed yesterday evening that my six year old daughter would be graduating from Kindergarten today. I made all of the connections via bus and train and walked the remaining six blocks or so to ensure that I was there on time. Imagine my surprise when I arrived and my daughter was not at school. After waiting for about half an hour, I started the journey back to the train so that I can make it to work on time. Initially, I was quite upset but then decided that there may have been an emergency with my mother-in-law or perhaps even with the children. I couldn’t reasonably expect a phone call during a crisis, so I call to make sure that everything was fine. It was at that point that I learned that despite living a block from the school and having over two hours of additional time before the start of school to get them to school, none of the kids had made it to school on time, and, as a result, my daughter had missed all but the closing song of her Kindergarten graduation. I’m only as calm as I am now thanks to a slice of triple chocolate cheesecake. However, God decided to use that experience as a teaching moment. I’m going to share that lesson with you.

You see, when physical custody was granted to my ex-wife, the bulk of the responsibility for their daily affairs were also given to her. She is responsible for getting them up, fed, clothed, and off to school on time. I am no longer responsible for that. Much like the priests who job it was to carry the Ark of the Covenant, she is responsible for their safe passage from home to school and such. Each time I attempt to do something that is within her realm of responsibilities and outside of mine, I am going to be struck down with anger and frustration. I can’t force her to parent the way I think the kids should be parented. I can’t force her to be on time for things. In fact, I can’t force her to do anything. If I could, then surely I would have forced her to love me back, treat me right, and help me keep our marriage alive and strong. Am I saddened about the missed opportunity to see my daughter graduate? Absolutely! However, I know that it was not my responsibility to get her there on time. In fact, if I had shown up at their house attempting to direct them on how to get dressed and out the door, I would have been overstepping my boundary as a visitor to their mother’s home.

For many years, I made the attempt to steady the Arc in our marriage, often neglecting that which was mine in an effort to ensure that another did their job. This is a lesson that intend to carry with me into future relationships….I CANNOT STEADY THE ARK! I can control only which is in my power to control. Anything outside that should be left alone. Had the Ark of the Covenant fallen to the ground, which was the fear of those men, then there would have been consequences visited upon the heads of those whose duty it was to ensure the safe mobility of the Ark. I’m not sure why, but we often have a hard time allowing things to go undone when we feel that we have the capacity to get them done. Sometimes we must allow things to be undone so that those whose duty it is to get them done can receive the chastisement that is necessary for them to learn and grow.