When You Know the Kind of Man You are, You'll Know the Kind of Woman You Need

So, I haven’t been the best blogger as of late. I won’t make excuses. I will simply say that I have been quite a bit of living, so I now have plenty about which to blog. I was fortunate to spend three months in one of the healthiest relationships I have ever had. Each day brought this feeling of healing and peace to my soul. However, it was not meant to last, and we have learned what happens when we place lifetime expectations on seasonal people. So, as the relationship ended, I found myself wondering where it went wrong. Recently, I read through my personal journal and found many answers. My healing came from within because on the surface, the relationship, though healthy in one regard, was not so healthy in many other areas. Once again, I found myself doing most of the work to keep the relationship alive. As I think about it, I probably stayed in it as long as I did because I didn’t want to fail at yet another relationship. I think this is probably quite common for people who have been through a divorce, especially those who feel responsible for the divorce.

My focus has shifted in recent weeks to forgiveness, which is probably why I am sitting here in my office typing this blog entry. I was awaken this morning to a series of text messages from my former spouse regarding visitation of the children. In the past, I would have allowed myself to become so angry that I would not lose the capacity to focus and reason, and in the end, give in to her demands. However, because I have been able to repair those damaged parts of me, I was able to stand my ground. Life is too short to spend it arguing with people who are no longer in significant roles in your life. Not only that, I thought about the injury I was doing to my own soul by being contentious. Needless to say, I have enjoyed the freedom that forgiveness offers.

So, on to a much different although somewhat related topic. I may have mentioned this before, but if not, I will address it again. While I have learned a great deal about myself over the past year and a half, it was never my intention to become comfortable with being a single guy. It’s not that I am unable to survive alone, but I understand that in God’s plan for me, again I speak as an individual, there is a place and need for companionship that I may grow into my destiny. It’s hard to find something if you don’t know what you’re looking for, at least that’s what I’ve been told. It occurred to me that I had no idea what kind of woman I was looking for, and that may very well be the reason that I have not found her. A childhood friend told me, “Until a man knows what kind of man he is, he will never be able to find the kind of woman he needs.” It hit me like a sack of bricks because she was correct. I made a trip back home to Georgia last weekend in order to rediscover myself and to be reminded of who I am. I attended church with my cousin, and as is often the case when I attend this particular church, I was invited to sit in the pulpit with the other ministers. I looked over the section of the church where the minister’s wives sit, and it hit me. My entire life I have been raised, trained, and cultivated for the ministry. I have been told that God has called me out of the world to be a light unto the world. I thought back to a night in college before I got married to a conversation I had with my then fiancée. I was almost in a panic because the Holy Ghost was beating me up. I had known then much like I know now the kind of man God had called me to be and the life that He had ordered for me, and I understand then like I understand now that my ability to grow into that measure of a man and to fulfill those promises would be largely determined by the support that I received from my spouse.

I attempted to explain this to her, and in my mind and heart I was trying to excuse her from the obligation of marrying me because I knew that I had not followed the proper pattern for selecting a spouse. She was a beautiful girl with many wonderful qualities, but her shoulders were not designed to bear the weight of the burden of supporting me as a husband. Here I was 22 years old, and being told in my spirit that I needed to end a relationship because it could not support me spiritually. Sitting in the pulpit reminded me that I have known that the kind of woman God intended me to marry is the kind of woman we Southerners commonly refer to as “Preacher wives”. This kind of woman is classy, spiritually attuned, and lovingly supportive of their husbands. They are nurturers, educators, and exemplars to their children. They are solid rocks, confidants, and helpmeets to their husbands. This is the kind of woman I’ve always known that I would and should marry, but it is also a reminder of the kind of man that God has called me to be. I’m not aspiring to the honors of the men or the various positions within the church by any means, but I have known that my life was to be spent in the ministry since I could read. Please don’t misunderstand me and assume that I am suggesting that my former spouse is in any way less important in the sight of God. She is His daughter and has been endowed with gifts and talents that will serve her and the world well, if she so chooses to use them in that manner. What I am saying is that God knew the kind of husband that she needed and the kind of wife she would be, and He knew that we were not what He had designed or ordered for either of us, but He would cease to be God if He interfered with use of our moral agency. Having said all of that, I do believe that I am more accountable than she is for the marriage. The inspiration from the Holy Ghost came to me and I disregarded it. On the surface, any person who used pure logic to make the decision would have looked at her and decided that she was a suitable mate. I hope the same can be said of me. However, such methods of mate selection are to be employed only in the world. I knew prior to that time that I had already been called out of world, and I should have used a less worldly approach to selecting a mate. The scripture in the Doctrine and Covenants (for my non-LDS friends, that it a book of revelations and commandments received mostly through the Prophet Joseph Smith that dealt with the matter of the Church in the early days of the Church) regarding being both called and chosen comes to my mind. The Lord said, “Behold, there are many called, but few are chosen. And why are they not chosen? Because their hearts are set so much upon the things of this world, and aspire to the honors of men, that they do no learn this one lesson…”. As I took out my scriptures to ensure that I quoted that correctly, I saw a note written in the margins that said, “Advice given prior to getting married.” It would seem now that God made a final attempt to remind me of this important lesson. There are many wonderful sisters in the world who are deserving of the best husband possible. I believe that they will be blessed with those husbands in the Lord’s due time and in His way. However, there are some who are of such pure and wonderful fiber, they are called and chosen to be spouses to men for whom the Lord has made special plans. Again, my intent is not to assert or claim that I am any more special than the next guy. I do believe that my responsibilities pertaining to building up the kingdom of God on the earth make me different than the men of the world. Much like the fact that it takes a certain kind of woman to be able to support a husband who is a physician, I believe that when a man is called to be a physician to the Church, he must give special attention to the matter of woman he selects as his spouse. Certainly I saw this play out in my marriage. At one point, I was called to serve as the Young Men’s President (for my non-LDS friends, this is the organization in the Church that has the responsibility for the young men ages 12-17). There were Sunday morning meetings and Wednesday night activities that required my attendance and I would often go to these exhausted because of the battle I had just fought at home about going to the meeting and fulfilling my responsibilities in this calling. I would prefer to end the discussion there because my intent is not to bash her. She is who she is and will never be more or less than what God created her to be. My point to all of this is exactly what my friend suggested when she said that once we knew, as men, the kind of man God has called and created us to be, we will know the kind of woman we should seek as a spouse.

So, here’s my caution. We can err on the side of thinking that we are filtering out the women who are not what we need, but the real invitation is for us as men to rise up to the standard the Lord has set for us. Again, I turn to Latter-day scriptures and the words that Lehi spoke to his sons just prior to his death in the Book of Mormon. 2 Nephi records these words to the sons of Lehi in the first chapter of 2 Nephi. Lehi admonished his sons, “Arise from the dust, my sons, and be men, and be determined in one mind and in one heart, united in all things, that ye may not come down into captivity….Awake, my sons; put on the armor of righteousness. Shake off the chains with which ye are bound, and come forth out of obscurity, and arise from the dust.”

For a moment in my life, and I would suspect that each of us can attest to this, I forgot who I was, and I went off in search of what I needed but instead became content with what I wanted.

Yeah, so I have been doing some soul searching and finding answers that I need in order to move forward. The last piece of puzzle was put into place during a therapy session yesterday at work. I realized that I have been approaching relationships, post-divorce, on high alert for red flags. I think this has hindered me from being able to enjoy relationships. I see how the last one blew up in my face, and even the last dating relationship went south and my first instinct was re-examine it and look for signs that I missed. Sure enough they were there, but had I seen them then, I would not have been able to grow as much from the relationship as I have been. I created this blog to share with you the journey through some first experiences I was having so a second time around. I will admit that I don’t always look beyond what’s in front of me, but I challenge each of you to seek to see beyond what you see with your natural eyes. Many single people are single because they have escaped unhealthy situations. Some are single because they finally heard and listened to the voice of God. We don’t see their scars caused by sharp words, their broken hearts caused by broken dreams or the hand of God guiding them back to their destiny. The Apostle Paul said it best, “For all things are for your sakes, that the abundant grace might through the thanksgiving of many redound to the glory of God. For which cause we faint not; but though the outward man perish, yet the inward man in renewed day by day. For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, worketh for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory; While we look not at things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen: for the things which are seen are temporal; but the things which are not seen are eternal.” Thanks for sharing the journey. There is more to come as I experience many first times at a second chance.

Think together not alike

I guess I'm just making up for lost time, but I wanted to share some thoughts today that have been on my mind. One of the things that I enjoy about the dating relationship that I'm in is the conversations we have. I feel very fortunate to have found someone who is an excellent verbal communicator.
She asked me recently about my approach to parenting and what I felt about parents having different styles. It was then that I was reminded of some advice I had been given early in my career and that I had shared with my oldest brother and his bride on their wedding day. "The point is not to think alike but to think together." I lectured today on relationships and dating and I again found myself being drawn to this piece of advice. All too often, we think that we have to think alike when what is needed is to think together.
Most people have probably at heard of the book "The Five Love Languages." In the same conversation, we talked about our different love languages. My experience has been that no matter how much you attempt to explain your love language to someone, they will insist on speaking their own native love language. I've been impressed with her efforts to speak my language, especially since it is not her own. So, if you're reading this, I think you're doing a great job learning about me and trying to show that you care by speaking my complex language. (you've earned a cupcake for that!)
It seems to me that relationships are only complicated when we attempt to do things that are not natural to us. We forget that it is in our nature to couple, so being in a couple relationship should be natural to us. If that's true, coupling can't be in the problem. I think the problem is we have, as a society, bought into the notion that we are supposed to struggle and get frustrated being "men won't communicate, and women won't just say what they're thinking." I can't agree with that anymore. I think the problem is that we forget that we are unique individuals who bring different things to the table and if we were use those difference, our relationships would thrive. So, go out there and take the chance to think together and experience love like never before.

Growing in Love

I’ve taken some time from writing to do a little living and some research if you will on the very thing that I’ve been writing about. I’ve been taking full advantage of my second chance at a first time. With the New Year came some realizations, and one of them was that I was repeating the same pattern. I was waiting around for someone who didn’t want to be waited around on, so I made myself a promise that I would let go and let God. I started the year off without any emotional attachments to anyone else, and it has been a great month and a half so far.

I started teaching Sociology last month, and one of my classes is a Marriage and Family class. We are currently studying the chapter on love. As one would imagine, I was somewhat cautious about how I approached the subject so that I didn’t come across as jaded or insensitive. It was during a group presentation that my heart was ultimately softened. The group who was presented played a song that almost knocked me out of my chair. How could I have been so narrow-minded for so long? Of course, love is still real and should be the object of those who are willing to put forth the effort. Honestly, I haven’t had much experience with real love as an adult. I think I know what love is, but then again, maybe I still have much to learn. Ironically, I had a date the same afternoon of this lecture and presentation, and I spent some part of the date discussing the chapter with the young lady that I’ve been dating. Over the next few days, we revisited the topic and finally concluded that we were both very much afraid of love for the simple fact that agency plays such a huge role in it. We concluded that even though a person may fit all the items on our checklists and so forth, we are given no guarantees that it will work out well. The beauty of love is knowing that the person you’re with is capable of leaving at any time and is choosing to stay because they desire to stay and share their life with you. So, for the first half of the month of February, I’ve been sharing quotes about what love is taken from the New International Version of 1 Corinthians 13:4-7. Consider these words, “Love is patient. Love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight with evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.” Isn’t that what we all hope for and seek for in our relationships? Isn’t that why we take the risk on love? So, I have decided to take the risk because I know the rewards are worth it. Am I still afraid? Of course I am. I would be silly if I weren’t, especially given the experience that I’ve had with love. However, I am a strong believer in “Perfect love casteth out all fear.” One major second chance that I’m allowing myself is the opportunity to fall in love…..let me correct that….to grow to love for the first time. Perhaps that it is the problem. Many of us fall in love. We find love when we’re done—when there is something missing from our lives and we’re seeking to be made whole again. The problem is when we fall, most of us choose to get up, and when we’re up on our feet, we find that what we thought was love was never really love at all. Love is a journey and we don’t get there all at once. In fact, we learn, if we are wise, that we arrive at several locations that we label love only to discover that the previous location was only a fraction of our current understanding of love.

Brad Paisley - Then

Making a List and Checking It Twice

I have been trying to give some real thought to my Christmas wish list this year. I’ll admit that this is the first year that I’ve really struggled to decide what, of all things, I really want for Christmas. I understand that there is more to the season than gifts because the Ultimate Gift was given many years ago in a manger.  It seems like every time I sit down to make my list, “All I Want for Christmas is You” comes on, but I’m not a believer in signs like that. God knows my heart, and He knows what I need and what I want, and I trust Him to withhold what I want in order to give me what I need.  However, one of my friends posted the following on her Facebook profile: "This is my wish for you: Comfort on difficult days, smiles when sadness intrudes, rainbows to follow the clouds, laughter to kiss your lips, sunsets to warm your heart, hugs when spirits sag, beauty for your eyes to see, friendships to brighten your being, faith so that you can believe, confidence for when you doubt, courage to know yourself, patience to accept the truth, Love to complete your life."

What a wish! I feel blessed to have learned, in the midst of this year’s storms, to love. At least I am learning that it’s ok to love. Love requires a bravery that I’ve never known in my life. There is a part of me that wants to say, “I love you” but I often fear saying it even though I know what I mean by it. I almost wish I had to bravery to say, “I would tell you that I love you, but I’m afraid of what I might feel on the inside. I am afraid that I might discover feelings of love for you and myself deeper than I’ve ever known before. I am afraid that I can’t hide behind sex and physical connection with you and will be exposed as the intimacy driven being that I am. I am afraid that if I told you that I love you, I will become vulnerable. You will mean more to me than just a friend that I watch the game with or take along for trips to the mall or send texts to or call on a sleepy Sunday afternoon. I am afraid that by admitting to you that I love you, you might discover some weakness in me that may be used against me. I am afraid to tell you that I love you because it means that I am connected to you and are at risk for you choosing to disconnect from me. I would tell you that I love you, but if I did, it would free me in a way that I am not sure I can handle. I have become so comfortable in the prison of my mind that to move into the mansions of my heart would be grossly uncomfortable. I would tell you that I love you, but if I did, you might tell me in return that you love me and I would be in the position of having to accept that love, and I’m afraid to be loved in that way.”

 My fear coming out of my marriage was not that I would not believe in love but that I would accept anything as love. Christmas is about love and giving the gift of love, so why am I so afraid to give that gift to myself and to another person? I mean, my actions surely suggest that I have feelings of love. My prayers surely suggest that I have feelings of love, but my lips cannot form those words in the presence of ears because they make me vulnerable. It wasn’t until last night that I realized just how much love was in my heart. I was chatting with an acquaintance, and the conversation became a bit flirty. I knew it was just conversation, but my soul was disturbed. Finally, I said that we needed to watch the tone of the conversation out of respect for the person who held my heart. It was at that moment that I realized that though my love has no limits, it does have boundaries. Never in my life would I ever want anyone with whom I was in a relationship to have reason to question my loyalty or fidelity. When you give your heart to someone, you are making a real commitment. You are giving them the power to turn off the sun at noonday in your life so to speak. How does a man allow himself to get to that point? It seems that I get to the edge and I realize it is the edge. It’s the edge of reason, the edge of fear, the edge of safe, the edge of everything I know, and just on the other side is a life that I’ve never known. Just on the other side is a life that people talk about, sing about, pray for, wait for, and dream of. I want to be a part of that world, and I can’t get there with one foot planted on this soil. I have to take a deep breath and leap into the water.  So, I guess I’ve made my Christmas wish list for this year, and I put on it the very thing that has guided me out of the darkness of the past and into this marvelous light—love. Simple, reciprocated, unconditional, sweet as Red Velvet Cake, true as the Polar Star, deep as the Atlantic Ocean, endless as the creations of God love! For all who are near and dear to me, I wish this same beautiful gift!

I'm Going to Love the Hell Out of You to Keep the Hell Out of Me

     Divorces and separations are difficult for all involved. I understand that on a real level, however I simply don't understand why people feel the need to inject themselves into other people's business. So, apparently during the course of this whole thing, a mutual associate--I can't really call her a friend because we didn't really interact with her as a couple or as individuals during the marriage--decided that she needed to send an email to a few of the girls I had either dated or befriended in college and "warn" them not to interact with me and to align themselves with my ex-wife because "she doesn't deserve to be treated like this." Wow! As a result, some of the people who had been my primary support system before I got married, have chosen to turn their backs on me at a time when support is one of my greatest needs.To them I say, "I am going to love the hell out of you to keep the hell out of me."
     Whatever the reason may be for your need to shun me, disown me, judge me, or look down on me, have at it! If I choose to treat you like you treat me, I will have become the very thing you have accused me of being. Instead, I am choosing to be grateful that you have decided to surround her with support and love. She will need it. I only pray that you remember to support and love the children as well, who, by the way, still love and adore their father. When you send your emails, be sure to include a prayer request for the children who are forced to listen from the sidelines as you encourage their mother to verbally degrade their father. Include a prayer request for the Bishop who has to counsel with her when she is being influenced by your nosiness. Include a prayer request for your own family that if you should ever be in the same situation that someone would, out of the goodness of their heart, send a chain email to everyone from your past on your behalf.
     Really, people, when did our lives become so darn interesting that everyone wants to be a part of it. I am just wondering where all these "friends" were for the nine of years of trying to get through school, raise kids, start careers, etc? Where were these friends when our children had music recitals, school plays, birthday parties, baby blessings, and all of those things? Where were these friends during finals when we were too stressed to cook? Where were these friends when our marriage was falling apart to offer to watch the kids so we could go to the temple or on a date? For that matter, where were these friends on our wedding day?
     The only one who called me in my darkest hour, at the death of my daughter, is the exact one that has been attacked the most. I won't call her name to protect her and her family, but I will defend our friendship to the death. When she did call that day, she called my ex-wife's phone instead of mine, like a lady. I will admit that I caused her some heartache and pain during the course of friendship, but like a woman of faith, she has forgiven me. We have been able to make the atonement of Christ effective not only in our individual lives but in our friendship, so what gives anyone the right to swoop in and tell us that we can't be friends when in fact, the only reason I know any of the others is because of her. When I was freshly home from a mission and away at school for the first time, she took the time to introduce me to new people. When I was worried about how I would pay for college, she helped me get the ball rolling on the scholarship that would fund my education. So, I hope you all are happy. If your point was to rob me of my support system and cast me down, YOU HAVE FAILED!!!!!
     You see, while I am loving the hell out of you to keep the hell out of me, there is an army---yes, I said an army--of people who love the hell out of me. There is an army of people who roll of bed everyday and pray for me. There is an army of people who check in on me everyday. And I just want you all to know that my army of people join me everyday in loving the hell out you to keep the hell out of me! Now, run tell that!

I Cannot Live in Chaos

This post was written November 28, 2011. Again, I am sorry for the delay.

So the madness is over. For the past five days, I have had the kids alone, and I was reminded of why my marriage ended. It was nonstop drama. Apparently, when a couple divorces, both of them maintain responsibility for family pets even if said pets were “doggie-napped” and taken across the country. That was the drama of my last week, and I finally got to the point where I realized that I no longer lived in that chaos. However, the most telling of the revelations of this past week is that I have come to understand that I CANNOT live in chaos. I just can’t function in dysfunction. So much of my life for the past nine years has been ruled by this kind of dysfunction that I got to the point where I thought this was normal. Every year I would say to myself that next year was going to be better and less chaotic, but each New Year brought a new kind of drama with it. Finally, as I think about this upcoming year, I can get excited because I know that it really will be different because I am in charge of my life again. I had given so much of the power over my life away for the sake of the relationship that I barely existed anymore. There is a huge difference between losing yourself in service and just plain losing yourself. I think we both lost ourselves in an effort to be what the other person needed.

The cure to chaos, in my opinion, is organization. This morning as I sat in the chapel in the Salt Lake Temple, I read D&C 109, the Dedicatory Prayer for the Kirtland Temple.  In it, they were commanded to “Organize yourselves and prepare every needful thing.”  I realized that I had yet to organize my new life.  One of the things that I have realized in the last couple of days is that I am ready for a real relationship. Not counting the  four months that I wrestled with the decision to end the marriage, I spent an additional ten months waiting for it all to be over and reflecting on what went wrong and the changes that I can make in my life to avoid the same mistakes. So, I think a year is plenty of time to give myself to make the decision to start dating again and again prepare for an eternal marriage. After all, this time is certain to be healthier than the last because of the all of the things that I know now about myself and about healthy relationship. After the temple, I talked with Bruce for a little bit, and he suggested that I review my list of desired attributes in an eternal companion. That’s when it hit me that I didn’t have a list, so I sat down and wrote one.  It was a rather spiritual experience. As I looked over my list, I realized that my wish list is so much more realistic than the one I made in college. It reflects my heart, and in reality, I am looking for someone who reflects God’s heart for me. Now that I know what I’m looking for, I will know when I find it.

That brings up a different kind of chaos. I’ve been living in spiritual chaos. I CANNOT live in spiritual chaos either. My faith in God was so shaken by the things that I experienced in my marriage that I had convinced myself that He might actually “command” me to marry someone that I didn’t like. Today, it hit me that God wants me to be happy, and He wants to bless me with joy, happiness, and love. I had to change my prayers from praying for a specific person to just praying for a wife in general who has the attributes I desire or who is at least in the process of developing those attributes. I can’t begin to describe the feeling of hope that returned to my life after making the list. I thought that my list would reflect the person who has been on my mind most, but I was surprised at how candid and unbiased my list is. Granted, if God decided to play Santa and delivered that special person to me for Christmas, I would not be disappointed at all! On the other hand, if there is someone out there that He feels is more compatible and would better compliment my life, I am willing to wait patiently for her to come into my life. Talking with Bruce today reminded me of something that I have been keenly aware of for most of my life. I have always known that my success in life, temporally and spiritually, will be due in no small measure to my choice of a wife. I’ve had experiences in my life where this truth has been manifested plainly and strongly. It is clear now that I cannot afford to choose amiss this time. To do so would be to continue to live in the very chaos that God has lovingly guided me out of over the past year. Recently, I have been comforted by the words of Peter, who said, in part, “Humble yourselves therefore under the mighty hand of God, that he may exalt you in due time; casting all your care upon him; for he careth for you.” I know that God cares for me more than I could ever care for myself. He understands me and knows the desires of my heart. If I want to come out of the chaos, I have to walk a path that is fundamentally different from the path that led me into the chaos from which I hope to escape. So, raise your sparkling cider, and here’s to no longer living in chaos. Cheers!

Strong words, but do I have to lose?

This post was written on November 22, 2011 while I was flying to Utah:

Well, I’m sure many people saw this post coming and I do ask that it not become a point of gossip and that we remember that things in print never go away. My ultimate concern is for my children because this will be the first time they have ever heard of me having feelings for anyone other than their mother. In fact, the whole idea of my liking someone else seems to contradict everything they have been taught about eternal marriage and everlasting love. In their hearts and minds, Mommy and Daddy would always be together, and if we ever did date someone else, it would be because of one us had passed away. Well, having said that, I will share my story. Of course, I will leave out names to protect the innocent.

    One Saturday morning, about twenty years ago at a beauty salon I met this girl. I was there with my mom, and she was there playing with her best friend. She was beautiful. I didn’t know her name and she didn’t go to my school. In fact, I don’t know if I ever asked her name. The following Monday, I asked some girls in my class who used to attend the school she went to if they knew her. They did, and they said that she had a boyfriend. Well, that was the end of that! I would see her in passing, and there was something about her face that was unforgettable. I could pick her out in a room of millions. Well, the years passed, and we went on with our lives. After high school, I went on a mission and returned home two years later. To my great surprise, she was in church my first Sunday back from my mission. She had the same smile from ten years earlier. I didn’t bother pursuing anything because I knew I was home for just a short time before leaving for college, and I had a special friend at that time. I went off the college and got married and started a family, meantime, she joined the church and had a life of her own. When I would visit my mom and attend church with her, I would see her and she would speak. I would always feel a little weird because every time I saw her, my heart would skip a beat.  But I was married, so that was the end of that!

    So, now I find myself single again and she’s single, and I have a major crush on her.  Of course now that I am single, I’m also moving across country. Well, I talked with my best friend, and we decided that the best thing would be for me to write her a letter (yes, people still do that these days!) and tell her what I felt she needed to know before I left. So, five pages and lots of courage later, I dropped the letter off at the Post Office. I was talking to Bruce about what I had written, and he said, “Wow! Those are strong words.” My response was, “Yes, they were strong words, but what do I have to lose?” “Good point” he replied.  It dawned on me that I have nothing to lose and everything to gain by sharing with her the things of my heart. I have waited for over twenty years to share with her how she makes my heart flutter. At this point, I just wonder what the reaction is going to be. Both of us would have to be willing to take a huge risk on this relationship, but I really feel that it would be worth the risk. The coolest thing about this girl is that she embodies everything I mean when I talk about second chances at a first time. I have a second chance to say and do what I was way too afraid to say and do twenty years ago. I don’t know what, if anything will come of it, but I am thankful that she kept the hope of love and being loved alive within me during some times when I had started to wonder if I would ever allow myself to feel these feelings for anyone. The past four months of my life have been bearable because she’s been a part of it. I had to sit on the feelings for so long while waiting to get things finalized with my divorce.  I will admit that I was a bit naïve in thinking that I would be able to make that transition smoothly just because my divorce was final. I have experienced so many different emotions over the past week that I am sure how I am still even willing to consider listening to my heart. Yet, among those feelings have been peace and hope. I feel peace in knowing that gave it my best shot, and that if we don’t end up dating, it would not be because I didn’t make my feelings known. I understand that what I feel is only half of the formula for a relationship, and that I can’t force her to feel something that she doesn’t. If she discovers that she has some feelings for me as well, that will be great. If she decides that, while she is flattered by my words, she would rather just remain friends, I am ok with that because it just means that I need to give it a little more time before God feels that I am ready to find the special person that I will share with my life with now.

  I end where I started, and realizing that among the many conversations that I will have with the kids over the next few days, one of them will need to be about what the divorce means in terms of the fact that both their mother and I will eventually begin dating again at some point, and I want them to understand, that at least from my point of view, I understand that this can be hard for them to understand. I mean, my dad got married while I was on my mission to someone I hadn’t met yet, and it was hard at first, but I learned to make the most of it. It ended up that my stepmother and I got along very well. I guess I never realized how hard my divorce was for other people. (I’ve shifting gears a bit here) Sunday was my last Sunday at church in Georgia and I needed to report to them that the divorce had been finalized so that our records could be completely separated. Up until this time, we had still been listed on each other’s church records as spouses. The system that the church uses to maintain records asked for a reason for the termination of the relationship (i.e.: divorce, death, annulment, etc.). There is a drop down menu, and sensing some discomfort by the clerk, I joked, “Well, it’s a good thing they give a drop down menu or that part could get colorful and not very Christlike.” His response was “This is not something to joke about.” He went on basically about how I should be somber and almost in mourning about the divorce. Sorry, but I can’t because it really needed to happen and probably should have happened sooner.

So back to the kids and telling them about dating again. I think this is going to be hard for them because my starting to date again will solidify this divorce and may dash any hope they have left that we will ever be the family that we used to be. While I have to respect the fact that the kids need time to process this huge loss, I also have to recognize that they may be in mourning for years and I certainly can’t put that part of my life on hold until everyone can agree that it’s time. I want them to get involved in the process, and I will be very honest with them in that I will not introduce them to everyone that I go on a date with because I don’t want them to get attached to people who are not going to be around them. There is so much to this dating thing now that I have kids! But, I return to my hope about getting to know this long lost friend better and perhaps seeing what a long distance relationship will be like for us. I am just glad that I will be across the country when she gets that letter because it left me emotionally naked and vulnerable. I don’t like feeling that way for sure. Well, I guess we will see what happens.