Making a List and Checking It Twice

I have been trying to give some real thought to my Christmas wish list this year. I’ll admit that this is the first year that I’ve really struggled to decide what, of all things, I really want for Christmas. I understand that there is more to the season than gifts because the Ultimate Gift was given many years ago in a manger.  It seems like every time I sit down to make my list, “All I Want for Christmas is You” comes on, but I’m not a believer in signs like that. God knows my heart, and He knows what I need and what I want, and I trust Him to withhold what I want in order to give me what I need.  However, one of my friends posted the following on her Facebook profile: "This is my wish for you: Comfort on difficult days, smiles when sadness intrudes, rainbows to follow the clouds, laughter to kiss your lips, sunsets to warm your heart, hugs when spirits sag, beauty for your eyes to see, friendships to brighten your being, faith so that you can believe, confidence for when you doubt, courage to know yourself, patience to accept the truth, Love to complete your life."

What a wish! I feel blessed to have learned, in the midst of this year’s storms, to love. At least I am learning that it’s ok to love. Love requires a bravery that I’ve never known in my life. There is a part of me that wants to say, “I love you” but I often fear saying it even though I know what I mean by it. I almost wish I had to bravery to say, “I would tell you that I love you, but I’m afraid of what I might feel on the inside. I am afraid that I might discover feelings of love for you and myself deeper than I’ve ever known before. I am afraid that I can’t hide behind sex and physical connection with you and will be exposed as the intimacy driven being that I am. I am afraid that if I told you that I love you, I will become vulnerable. You will mean more to me than just a friend that I watch the game with or take along for trips to the mall or send texts to or call on a sleepy Sunday afternoon. I am afraid that by admitting to you that I love you, you might discover some weakness in me that may be used against me. I am afraid to tell you that I love you because it means that I am connected to you and are at risk for you choosing to disconnect from me. I would tell you that I love you, but if I did, it would free me in a way that I am not sure I can handle. I have become so comfortable in the prison of my mind that to move into the mansions of my heart would be grossly uncomfortable. I would tell you that I love you, but if I did, you might tell me in return that you love me and I would be in the position of having to accept that love, and I’m afraid to be loved in that way.”

 My fear coming out of my marriage was not that I would not believe in love but that I would accept anything as love. Christmas is about love and giving the gift of love, so why am I so afraid to give that gift to myself and to another person? I mean, my actions surely suggest that I have feelings of love. My prayers surely suggest that I have feelings of love, but my lips cannot form those words in the presence of ears because they make me vulnerable. It wasn’t until last night that I realized just how much love was in my heart. I was chatting with an acquaintance, and the conversation became a bit flirty. I knew it was just conversation, but my soul was disturbed. Finally, I said that we needed to watch the tone of the conversation out of respect for the person who held my heart. It was at that moment that I realized that though my love has no limits, it does have boundaries. Never in my life would I ever want anyone with whom I was in a relationship to have reason to question my loyalty or fidelity. When you give your heart to someone, you are making a real commitment. You are giving them the power to turn off the sun at noonday in your life so to speak. How does a man allow himself to get to that point? It seems that I get to the edge and I realize it is the edge. It’s the edge of reason, the edge of fear, the edge of safe, the edge of everything I know, and just on the other side is a life that I’ve never known. Just on the other side is a life that people talk about, sing about, pray for, wait for, and dream of. I want to be a part of that world, and I can’t get there with one foot planted on this soil. I have to take a deep breath and leap into the water.  So, I guess I’ve made my Christmas wish list for this year, and I put on it the very thing that has guided me out of the darkness of the past and into this marvelous light—love. Simple, reciprocated, unconditional, sweet as Red Velvet Cake, true as the Polar Star, deep as the Atlantic Ocean, endless as the creations of God love! For all who are near and dear to me, I wish this same beautiful gift!