So the madness is over. For the past five days, I have had the kids alone, and I was reminded of why my marriage ended. It was nonstop drama. Apparently, when a couple divorces, both of them maintain responsibility for family pets even if said pets were “doggie-napped” and taken across the country. That was the drama of my last week, and I finally got to the point where I realized that I no longer lived in that chaos. However, the most telling of the revelations of this past week is that I have come to understand that I CANNOT live in chaos. I just can’t function in dysfunction. So much of my life for the past nine years has been ruled by this kind of dysfunction that I got to the point where I thought this was normal. Every year I would say to myself that next year was going to be better and less chaotic, but each New Year brought a new kind of drama with it. Finally, as I think about this upcoming year, I can get excited because I know that it really will be different because I am in charge of my life again. I had given so much of the power over my life away for the sake of the relationship that I barely existed anymore. There is a huge difference between losing yourself in service and just plain losing yourself. I think we both lost ourselves in an effort to be what the other person needed.
The cure to chaos, in my opinion, is organization. This morning as I sat in the chapel in the Salt Lake Temple, I read D&C 109, the Dedicatory Prayer for the Kirtland Temple. In it, they were commanded to “Organize yourselves and prepare every needful thing.” I realized that I had yet to organize my new life. One of the things that I have realized in the last couple of days is that I am ready for a real relationship. Not counting the four months that I wrestled with the decision to end the marriage, I spent an additional ten months waiting for it all to be over and reflecting on what went wrong and the changes that I can make in my life to avoid the same mistakes. So, I think a year is plenty of time to give myself to make the decision to start dating again and again prepare for an eternal marriage. After all, this time is certain to be healthier than the last because of the all of the things that I know now about myself and about healthy relationship. After the temple, I talked with Bruce for a little bit, and he suggested that I review my list of desired attributes in an eternal companion. That’s when it hit me that I didn’t have a list, so I sat down and wrote one. It was a rather spiritual experience. As I looked over my list, I realized that my wish list is so much more realistic than the one I made in college. It reflects my heart, and in reality, I am looking for someone who reflects God’s heart for me. Now that I know what I’m looking for, I will know when I find it.
That brings up a different kind of chaos. I’ve been living in spiritual chaos. I CANNOT live in spiritual chaos either. My faith in God was so shaken by the things that I experienced in my marriage that I had convinced myself that He might actually “command” me to marry someone that I didn’t like. Today, it hit me that God wants me to be happy, and He wants to bless me with joy, happiness, and love. I had to change my prayers from praying for a specific person to just praying for a wife in general who has the attributes I desire or who is at least in the process of developing those attributes. I can’t begin to describe the feeling of hope that returned to my life after making the list. I thought that my list would reflect the person who has been on my mind most, but I was surprised at how candid and unbiased my list is. Granted, if God decided to play Santa and delivered that special person to me for Christmas, I would not be disappointed at all! On the other hand, if there is someone out there that He feels is more compatible and would better compliment my life, I am willing to wait patiently for her to come into my life. Talking with Bruce today reminded me of something that I have been keenly aware of for most of my life. I have always known that my success in life, temporally and spiritually, will be due in no small measure to my choice of a wife. I’ve had experiences in my life where this truth has been manifested plainly and strongly. It is clear now that I cannot afford to choose amiss this time. To do so would be to continue to live in the very chaos that God has lovingly guided me out of over the past year. Recently, I have been comforted by the words of Peter, who said, in part, “Humble yourselves therefore under the mighty hand of God, that he may exalt you in due time; casting all your care upon him; for he careth for you.” I know that God cares for me more than I could ever care for myself. He understands me and knows the desires of my heart. If I want to come out of the chaos, I have to walk a path that is fundamentally different from the path that led me into the chaos from which I hope to escape. So, raise your sparkling cider, and here’s to no longer living in chaos. Cheers!
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