Well, I’m sure many people saw this post coming and I do ask that it not become a point of gossip and that we remember that things in print never go away. My ultimate concern is for my children because this will be the first time they have ever heard of me having feelings for anyone other than their mother. In fact, the whole idea of my liking someone else seems to contradict everything they have been taught about eternal marriage and everlasting love. In their hearts and minds, Mommy and Daddy would always be together, and if we ever did date someone else, it would be because of one us had passed away. Well, having said that, I will share my story. Of course, I will leave out names to protect the innocent.
One Saturday morning, about twenty years ago at a beauty salon I met this girl. I was there with my mom, and she was there playing with her best friend. She was beautiful. I didn’t know her name and she didn’t go to my school. In fact, I don’t know if I ever asked her name. The following Monday, I asked some girls in my class who used to attend the school she went to if they knew her. They did, and they said that she had a boyfriend. Well, that was the end of that! I would see her in passing, and there was something about her face that was unforgettable. I could pick her out in a room of millions. Well, the years passed, and we went on with our lives. After high school, I went on a mission and returned home two years later. To my great surprise, she was in church my first Sunday back from my mission. She had the same smile from ten years earlier. I didn’t bother pursuing anything because I knew I was home for just a short time before leaving for college, and I had a special friend at that time. I went off the college and got married and started a family, meantime, she joined the church and had a life of her own. When I would visit my mom and attend church with her, I would see her and she would speak. I would always feel a little weird because every time I saw her, my heart would skip a beat. But I was married, so that was the end of that!
So, now I find myself single again and she’s single, and I have a major crush on her. Of course now that I am single, I’m also moving across country. Well, I talked with my best friend, and we decided that the best thing would be for me to write her a letter (yes, people still do that these days!) and tell her what I felt she needed to know before I left. So, five pages and lots of courage later, I dropped the letter off at the Post Office. I was talking to Bruce about what I had written, and he said, “Wow! Those are strong words.” My response was, “Yes, they were strong words, but what do I have to lose?” “Good point” he replied. It dawned on me that I have nothing to lose and everything to gain by sharing with her the things of my heart. I have waited for over twenty years to share with her how she makes my heart flutter. At this point, I just wonder what the reaction is going to be. Both of us would have to be willing to take a huge risk on this relationship, but I really feel that it would be worth the risk. The coolest thing about this girl is that she embodies everything I mean when I talk about second chances at a first time. I have a second chance to say and do what I was way too afraid to say and do twenty years ago. I don’t know what, if anything will come of it, but I am thankful that she kept the hope of love and being loved alive within me during some times when I had started to wonder if I would ever allow myself to feel these feelings for anyone. The past four months of my life have been bearable because she’s been a part of it. I had to sit on the feelings for so long while waiting to get things finalized with my divorce. I will admit that I was a bit naïve in thinking that I would be able to make that transition smoothly just because my divorce was final. I have experienced so many different emotions over the past week that I am sure how I am still even willing to consider listening to my heart. Yet, among those feelings have been peace and hope. I feel peace in knowing that gave it my best shot, and that if we don’t end up dating, it would not be because I didn’t make my feelings known. I understand that what I feel is only half of the formula for a relationship, and that I can’t force her to feel something that she doesn’t. If she discovers that she has some feelings for me as well, that will be great. If she decides that, while she is flattered by my words, she would rather just remain friends, I am ok with that because it just means that I need to give it a little more time before God feels that I am ready to find the special person that I will share with my life with now.
I end where I started, and realizing that among the many conversations that I will have with the kids over the next few days, one of them will need to be about what the divorce means in terms of the fact that both their mother and I will eventually begin dating again at some point, and I want them to understand, that at least from my point of view, I understand that this can be hard for them to understand. I mean, my dad got married while I was on my mission to someone I hadn’t met yet, and it was hard at first, but I learned to make the most of it. It ended up that my stepmother and I got along very well. I guess I never realized how hard my divorce was for other people. (I’ve shifting gears a bit here) Sunday was my last Sunday at church in Georgia and I needed to report to them that the divorce had been finalized so that our records could be completely separated. Up until this time, we had still been listed on each other’s church records as spouses. The system that the church uses to maintain records asked for a reason for the termination of the relationship (i.e.: divorce, death, annulment, etc.). There is a drop down menu, and sensing some discomfort by the clerk, I joked, “Well, it’s a good thing they give a drop down menu or that part could get colorful and not very Christlike.” His response was “This is not something to joke about.” He went on basically about how I should be somber and almost in mourning about the divorce. Sorry, but I can’t because it really needed to happen and probably should have happened sooner.
So back to the kids and telling them about dating again. I think this is going to be hard for them because my starting to date again will solidify this divorce and may dash any hope they have left that we will ever be the family that we used to be. While I have to respect the fact that the kids need time to process this huge loss, I also have to recognize that they may be in mourning for years and I certainly can’t put that part of my life on hold until everyone can agree that it’s time. I want them to get involved in the process, and I will be very honest with them in that I will not introduce them to everyone that I go on a date with because I don’t want them to get attached to people who are not going to be around them. There is so much to this dating thing now that I have kids! But, I return to my hope about getting to know this long lost friend better and perhaps seeing what a long distance relationship will be like for us. I am just glad that I will be across the country when she gets that letter because it left me emotionally naked and vulnerable. I don’t like feeling that way for sure. Well, I guess we will see what happens.
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