Being an Open Book at the Level of the Heart

In my professional life, I am privileged to work with individuals who are attempting to overcome their addiction to pornography. Perhaps, this is where I draw some of my greatest inspiration and satisfaction in my work. In a recent session, I was very impressed to share with my client that a large part of the solution is to increase his emotional honesty with his wife thus increasing the level of emotional intimacy in their marriage. The thought was if he went to her when he was tired, overwhelmed, or feeling inadequate instead of to pornography, he would be able to reduce his dependency on pornography to help him deal with those feelings. The results, according to the client, have been wonderful and he and his wife now share a relationship that they had not shared throughout their entire marriage which spans almost two decades.

I share that story to provide a background from what I wanted to share in this post. I have not been very emotionally honest with those close to me. This is a bit of a confession of sorts. For the past several months, I have been struggling internally and seeking to mask it with humorous Facebook posts, trips to the mall, Kitchen Therapy, or just plain lying and telling everyone that I am doing well and life is grand. The truth is I have really been having a hard time dealing with the way my life has turned out. Although I will never second guess the wisdom in ending my marriage, I had no idea how tough it would be to accept the natural consequences of that decision. In many ways, my children seem to be strangers to me because I am not involved in the daily aspects of their lives like I once was. I get second hand, past tense accounts of things in their lives to which I have previously been very present.  The financial consequences of the divorce have left me in a state of near depression because what I am allowed to keep barely pays my bills and surely leaves very little room for Retail Therapy.

In recent weeks, I have noticed that I have really been pulling away from the people who know my heart inside and out because those are the ones who will share my pain. I am sorry. I have also just decided to limit my contact with people because I don’t want to have to fake being alright nor do I want everyone attempting to fix my problems. My solution has been to lose myself in the gospel of Jesus Christ. Well, when the scriptures say that whosoever shall lose his life shall find it, truer words were never spoken. The truth is I draw my strength from my emotional connections with people. That is one of the things that allow me to avoid being burned out my job. I thrive on being connected to people, even if for a brief moment in time.  Some people may have noticed recently that I have made more of an effort to reach out to you. In fact, some old friends who did not hear from me during the time I was married may have or will shortly be getting phone calls.

So, many may be wondering why I am in such a funk. Well, in the spirit of true emotional honesty, I will answer. I am quite lonely. My entire life has been spent with and doing for others. For the first time in my life, I am solely responsible for taking care of my daily needs with no real distractions. There are no breakfasts for the kids, ironing a shirt for the wife, baking for the surprise family dinner, ect that once dominated my life. There is no rush to get home to a family waiting or even anxiety about the trip home taking longer than expected. There are no phone calls in the middle of the day reminding me to stop by the grocery store on the way home or calls about the neat things the kids did during the day. There is no other body—warm, cold, or otherwise—on the pillow next to me, no one to even accidently throw their arms around me in the middle of the night or hog the covers. It’s funny what you miss when you live alone. So, yeah, this is a very different life from the one I’ve been living for 31.75 years (that’s a gentle reminder that my birthday is in three months in case you need to start saving now—Italian leather footwear is always an appropriate gift!). I think that up until now, because I’ve been so emotionally dishonest, I haven’t been able or even willing to give full attention to being in a relationship with anyone. Maybe it’s also because I attempted to be so emotionally honest in my last dating relationship, and I was basically criticized for my honesty. Let’s be honest, her exact reaction was, “You ARE crazy. What are you smoking?” I think that reaction took me back to a similar time when I attempted to make an emotional disclosure to my wife at the time about my feelings of grief over the death of our child and other things that were going on and she responded, “I can’t take on your stress right now, and I can’t show you any empathy.” Somehow, I’ve gotten the message that being emotionally honest gives people the right to reject and abandon me, so I’ve taken selective emotional honesty to a whole new level. Well, now that it’s all out on the table and I’ve cleared the air, I am hoping to maintain this level of honesty and enrich my relationships with those that I have chosen to have remain in my life. I also challenge each of you to increase your emotional honesty with those you hold near and dear.

I Can't Steady the Ark

One of the stories in the Old Testament that has always intrigued me has been the story of the men who were struck down for attempting the steady the Ark of the Covenant. It seemed to me that they acted out of a place of concern for that which is holy. In fact, the place where the Ark rested was called the Holy of Holies.  One of my beliefs about stories that are recorded in the scriptures is that they were recorded for a reason. It has taken me many years to understand, even in part, why that story was included. It wasn’t until today that I think I understand.

My day started earlier than usual due to being informed yesterday evening that my six year old daughter would be graduating from Kindergarten today. I made all of the connections via bus and train and walked the remaining six blocks or so to ensure that I was there on time. Imagine my surprise when I arrived and my daughter was not at school. After waiting for about half an hour, I started the journey back to the train so that I can make it to work on time. Initially, I was quite upset but then decided that there may have been an emergency with my mother-in-law or perhaps even with the children. I couldn’t reasonably expect a phone call during a crisis, so I call to make sure that everything was fine. It was at that point that I learned that despite living a block from the school and having over two hours of additional time before the start of school to get them to school, none of the kids had made it to school on time, and, as a result, my daughter had missed all but the closing song of her Kindergarten graduation. I’m only as calm as I am now thanks to a slice of triple chocolate cheesecake. However, God decided to use that experience as a teaching moment. I’m going to share that lesson with you.

You see, when physical custody was granted to my ex-wife, the bulk of the responsibility for their daily affairs were also given to her. She is responsible for getting them up, fed, clothed, and off to school on time. I am no longer responsible for that. Much like the priests who job it was to carry the Ark of the Covenant, she is responsible for their safe passage from home to school and such. Each time I attempt to do something that is within her realm of responsibilities and outside of mine, I am going to be struck down with anger and frustration. I can’t force her to parent the way I think the kids should be parented. I can’t force her to be on time for things. In fact, I can’t force her to do anything. If I could, then surely I would have forced her to love me back, treat me right, and help me keep our marriage alive and strong. Am I saddened about the missed opportunity to see my daughter graduate? Absolutely! However, I know that it was not my responsibility to get her there on time. In fact, if I had shown up at their house attempting to direct them on how to get dressed and out the door, I would have been overstepping my boundary as a visitor to their mother’s home.

For many years, I made the attempt to steady the Arc in our marriage, often neglecting that which was mine in an effort to ensure that another did their job. This is a lesson that intend to carry with me into future relationships….I CANNOT STEADY THE ARK! I can control only which is in my power to control. Anything outside that should be left alone. Had the Ark of the Covenant fallen to the ground, which was the fear of those men, then there would have been consequences visited upon the heads of those whose duty it was to ensure the safe mobility of the Ark. I’m not sure why, but we often have a hard time allowing things to go undone when we feel that we have the capacity to get them done. Sometimes we must allow things to be undone so that those whose duty it is to get them done can receive the chastisement that is necessary for them to learn and grow.

When You Know the Kind of Man You are, You'll Know the Kind of Woman You Need

So, I haven’t been the best blogger as of late. I won’t make excuses. I will simply say that I have been quite a bit of living, so I now have plenty about which to blog. I was fortunate to spend three months in one of the healthiest relationships I have ever had. Each day brought this feeling of healing and peace to my soul. However, it was not meant to last, and we have learned what happens when we place lifetime expectations on seasonal people. So, as the relationship ended, I found myself wondering where it went wrong. Recently, I read through my personal journal and found many answers. My healing came from within because on the surface, the relationship, though healthy in one regard, was not so healthy in many other areas. Once again, I found myself doing most of the work to keep the relationship alive. As I think about it, I probably stayed in it as long as I did because I didn’t want to fail at yet another relationship. I think this is probably quite common for people who have been through a divorce, especially those who feel responsible for the divorce.

My focus has shifted in recent weeks to forgiveness, which is probably why I am sitting here in my office typing this blog entry. I was awaken this morning to a series of text messages from my former spouse regarding visitation of the children. In the past, I would have allowed myself to become so angry that I would not lose the capacity to focus and reason, and in the end, give in to her demands. However, because I have been able to repair those damaged parts of me, I was able to stand my ground. Life is too short to spend it arguing with people who are no longer in significant roles in your life. Not only that, I thought about the injury I was doing to my own soul by being contentious. Needless to say, I have enjoyed the freedom that forgiveness offers.

So, on to a much different although somewhat related topic. I may have mentioned this before, but if not, I will address it again. While I have learned a great deal about myself over the past year and a half, it was never my intention to become comfortable with being a single guy. It’s not that I am unable to survive alone, but I understand that in God’s plan for me, again I speak as an individual, there is a place and need for companionship that I may grow into my destiny. It’s hard to find something if you don’t know what you’re looking for, at least that’s what I’ve been told. It occurred to me that I had no idea what kind of woman I was looking for, and that may very well be the reason that I have not found her. A childhood friend told me, “Until a man knows what kind of man he is, he will never be able to find the kind of woman he needs.” It hit me like a sack of bricks because she was correct. I made a trip back home to Georgia last weekend in order to rediscover myself and to be reminded of who I am. I attended church with my cousin, and as is often the case when I attend this particular church, I was invited to sit in the pulpit with the other ministers. I looked over the section of the church where the minister’s wives sit, and it hit me. My entire life I have been raised, trained, and cultivated for the ministry. I have been told that God has called me out of the world to be a light unto the world. I thought back to a night in college before I got married to a conversation I had with my then fiancée. I was almost in a panic because the Holy Ghost was beating me up. I had known then much like I know now the kind of man God had called me to be and the life that He had ordered for me, and I understand then like I understand now that my ability to grow into that measure of a man and to fulfill those promises would be largely determined by the support that I received from my spouse.

I attempted to explain this to her, and in my mind and heart I was trying to excuse her from the obligation of marrying me because I knew that I had not followed the proper pattern for selecting a spouse. She was a beautiful girl with many wonderful qualities, but her shoulders were not designed to bear the weight of the burden of supporting me as a husband. Here I was 22 years old, and being told in my spirit that I needed to end a relationship because it could not support me spiritually. Sitting in the pulpit reminded me that I have known that the kind of woman God intended me to marry is the kind of woman we Southerners commonly refer to as “Preacher wives”. This kind of woman is classy, spiritually attuned, and lovingly supportive of their husbands. They are nurturers, educators, and exemplars to their children. They are solid rocks, confidants, and helpmeets to their husbands. This is the kind of woman I’ve always known that I would and should marry, but it is also a reminder of the kind of man that God has called me to be. I’m not aspiring to the honors of the men or the various positions within the church by any means, but I have known that my life was to be spent in the ministry since I could read. Please don’t misunderstand me and assume that I am suggesting that my former spouse is in any way less important in the sight of God. She is His daughter and has been endowed with gifts and talents that will serve her and the world well, if she so chooses to use them in that manner. What I am saying is that God knew the kind of husband that she needed and the kind of wife she would be, and He knew that we were not what He had designed or ordered for either of us, but He would cease to be God if He interfered with use of our moral agency. Having said all of that, I do believe that I am more accountable than she is for the marriage. The inspiration from the Holy Ghost came to me and I disregarded it. On the surface, any person who used pure logic to make the decision would have looked at her and decided that she was a suitable mate. I hope the same can be said of me. However, such methods of mate selection are to be employed only in the world. I knew prior to that time that I had already been called out of world, and I should have used a less worldly approach to selecting a mate. The scripture in the Doctrine and Covenants (for my non-LDS friends, that it a book of revelations and commandments received mostly through the Prophet Joseph Smith that dealt with the matter of the Church in the early days of the Church) regarding being both called and chosen comes to my mind. The Lord said, “Behold, there are many called, but few are chosen. And why are they not chosen? Because their hearts are set so much upon the things of this world, and aspire to the honors of men, that they do no learn this one lesson…”. As I took out my scriptures to ensure that I quoted that correctly, I saw a note written in the margins that said, “Advice given prior to getting married.” It would seem now that God made a final attempt to remind me of this important lesson. There are many wonderful sisters in the world who are deserving of the best husband possible. I believe that they will be blessed with those husbands in the Lord’s due time and in His way. However, there are some who are of such pure and wonderful fiber, they are called and chosen to be spouses to men for whom the Lord has made special plans. Again, my intent is not to assert or claim that I am any more special than the next guy. I do believe that my responsibilities pertaining to building up the kingdom of God on the earth make me different than the men of the world. Much like the fact that it takes a certain kind of woman to be able to support a husband who is a physician, I believe that when a man is called to be a physician to the Church, he must give special attention to the matter of woman he selects as his spouse. Certainly I saw this play out in my marriage. At one point, I was called to serve as the Young Men’s President (for my non-LDS friends, this is the organization in the Church that has the responsibility for the young men ages 12-17). There were Sunday morning meetings and Wednesday night activities that required my attendance and I would often go to these exhausted because of the battle I had just fought at home about going to the meeting and fulfilling my responsibilities in this calling. I would prefer to end the discussion there because my intent is not to bash her. She is who she is and will never be more or less than what God created her to be. My point to all of this is exactly what my friend suggested when she said that once we knew, as men, the kind of man God has called and created us to be, we will know the kind of woman we should seek as a spouse.

So, here’s my caution. We can err on the side of thinking that we are filtering out the women who are not what we need, but the real invitation is for us as men to rise up to the standard the Lord has set for us. Again, I turn to Latter-day scriptures and the words that Lehi spoke to his sons just prior to his death in the Book of Mormon. 2 Nephi records these words to the sons of Lehi in the first chapter of 2 Nephi. Lehi admonished his sons, “Arise from the dust, my sons, and be men, and be determined in one mind and in one heart, united in all things, that ye may not come down into captivity….Awake, my sons; put on the armor of righteousness. Shake off the chains with which ye are bound, and come forth out of obscurity, and arise from the dust.”

For a moment in my life, and I would suspect that each of us can attest to this, I forgot who I was, and I went off in search of what I needed but instead became content with what I wanted.

Yeah, so I have been doing some soul searching and finding answers that I need in order to move forward. The last piece of puzzle was put into place during a therapy session yesterday at work. I realized that I have been approaching relationships, post-divorce, on high alert for red flags. I think this has hindered me from being able to enjoy relationships. I see how the last one blew up in my face, and even the last dating relationship went south and my first instinct was re-examine it and look for signs that I missed. Sure enough they were there, but had I seen them then, I would not have been able to grow as much from the relationship as I have been. I created this blog to share with you the journey through some first experiences I was having so a second time around. I will admit that I don’t always look beyond what’s in front of me, but I challenge each of you to seek to see beyond what you see with your natural eyes. Many single people are single because they have escaped unhealthy situations. Some are single because they finally heard and listened to the voice of God. We don’t see their scars caused by sharp words, their broken hearts caused by broken dreams or the hand of God guiding them back to their destiny. The Apostle Paul said it best, “For all things are for your sakes, that the abundant grace might through the thanksgiving of many redound to the glory of God. For which cause we faint not; but though the outward man perish, yet the inward man in renewed day by day. For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, worketh for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory; While we look not at things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen: for the things which are seen are temporal; but the things which are not seen are eternal.” Thanks for sharing the journey. There is more to come as I experience many first times at a second chance.

Think together not alike

I guess I'm just making up for lost time, but I wanted to share some thoughts today that have been on my mind. One of the things that I enjoy about the dating relationship that I'm in is the conversations we have. I feel very fortunate to have found someone who is an excellent verbal communicator.
She asked me recently about my approach to parenting and what I felt about parents having different styles. It was then that I was reminded of some advice I had been given early in my career and that I had shared with my oldest brother and his bride on their wedding day. "The point is not to think alike but to think together." I lectured today on relationships and dating and I again found myself being drawn to this piece of advice. All too often, we think that we have to think alike when what is needed is to think together.
Most people have probably at heard of the book "The Five Love Languages." In the same conversation, we talked about our different love languages. My experience has been that no matter how much you attempt to explain your love language to someone, they will insist on speaking their own native love language. I've been impressed with her efforts to speak my language, especially since it is not her own. So, if you're reading this, I think you're doing a great job learning about me and trying to show that you care by speaking my complex language. (you've earned a cupcake for that!)
It seems to me that relationships are only complicated when we attempt to do things that are not natural to us. We forget that it is in our nature to couple, so being in a couple relationship should be natural to us. If that's true, coupling can't be in the problem. I think the problem is we have, as a society, bought into the notion that we are supposed to struggle and get frustrated being "men won't communicate, and women won't just say what they're thinking." I can't agree with that anymore. I think the problem is that we forget that we are unique individuals who bring different things to the table and if we were use those difference, our relationships would thrive. So, go out there and take the chance to think together and experience love like never before.

Growing in Love

I’ve taken some time from writing to do a little living and some research if you will on the very thing that I’ve been writing about. I’ve been taking full advantage of my second chance at a first time. With the New Year came some realizations, and one of them was that I was repeating the same pattern. I was waiting around for someone who didn’t want to be waited around on, so I made myself a promise that I would let go and let God. I started the year off without any emotional attachments to anyone else, and it has been a great month and a half so far.

I started teaching Sociology last month, and one of my classes is a Marriage and Family class. We are currently studying the chapter on love. As one would imagine, I was somewhat cautious about how I approached the subject so that I didn’t come across as jaded or insensitive. It was during a group presentation that my heart was ultimately softened. The group who was presented played a song that almost knocked me out of my chair. How could I have been so narrow-minded for so long? Of course, love is still real and should be the object of those who are willing to put forth the effort. Honestly, I haven’t had much experience with real love as an adult. I think I know what love is, but then again, maybe I still have much to learn. Ironically, I had a date the same afternoon of this lecture and presentation, and I spent some part of the date discussing the chapter with the young lady that I’ve been dating. Over the next few days, we revisited the topic and finally concluded that we were both very much afraid of love for the simple fact that agency plays such a huge role in it. We concluded that even though a person may fit all the items on our checklists and so forth, we are given no guarantees that it will work out well. The beauty of love is knowing that the person you’re with is capable of leaving at any time and is choosing to stay because they desire to stay and share their life with you. So, for the first half of the month of February, I’ve been sharing quotes about what love is taken from the New International Version of 1 Corinthians 13:4-7. Consider these words, “Love is patient. Love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight with evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.” Isn’t that what we all hope for and seek for in our relationships? Isn’t that why we take the risk on love? So, I have decided to take the risk because I know the rewards are worth it. Am I still afraid? Of course I am. I would be silly if I weren’t, especially given the experience that I’ve had with love. However, I am a strong believer in “Perfect love casteth out all fear.” One major second chance that I’m allowing myself is the opportunity to fall in love…..let me correct that….to grow to love for the first time. Perhaps that it is the problem. Many of us fall in love. We find love when we’re done—when there is something missing from our lives and we’re seeking to be made whole again. The problem is when we fall, most of us choose to get up, and when we’re up on our feet, we find that what we thought was love was never really love at all. Love is a journey and we don’t get there all at once. In fact, we learn, if we are wise, that we arrive at several locations that we label love only to discover that the previous location was only a fraction of our current understanding of love.

Brad Paisley - Then