So, I haven’t been the best blogger as of late. I won’t make excuses. I will simply say that I have been quite a bit of living, so I now have plenty about which to blog. I was fortunate to spend three months in one of the healthiest relationships I have ever had. Each day brought this feeling of healing and peace to my soul. However, it was not meant to last, and we have learned what happens when we place lifetime expectations on seasonal people. So, as the relationship ended, I found myself wondering where it went wrong. Recently, I read through my personal journal and found many answers. My healing came from within because on the surface, the relationship, though healthy in one regard, was not so healthy in many other areas. Once again, I found myself doing most of the work to keep the relationship alive. As I think about it, I probably stayed in it as long as I did because I didn’t want to fail at yet another relationship. I think this is probably quite common for people who have been through a divorce, especially those who feel responsible for the divorce.
My focus has shifted in recent weeks to forgiveness, which is probably why I am sitting here in my office typing this blog entry. I was awaken this morning to a series of text messages from my former spouse regarding visitation of the children. In the past, I would have allowed myself to become so angry that I would not lose the capacity to focus and reason, and in the end, give in to her demands. However, because I have been able to repair those damaged parts of me, I was able to stand my ground. Life is too short to spend it arguing with people who are no longer in significant roles in your life. Not only that, I thought about the injury I was doing to my own soul by being contentious. Needless to say, I have enjoyed the freedom that forgiveness offers.
So, on to a much different although somewhat related topic. I may have mentioned this before, but if not, I will address it again. While I have learned a great deal about myself over the past year and a half, it was never my intention to become comfortable with being a single guy. It’s not that I am unable to survive alone, but I understand that in God’s plan for me, again I speak as an individual, there is a place and need for companionship that I may grow into my destiny. It’s hard to find something if you don’t know what you’re looking for, at least that’s what I’ve been told. It occurred to me that I had no idea what kind of woman I was looking for, and that may very well be the reason that I have not found her. A childhood friend told me, “Until a man knows what kind of man he is, he will never be able to find the kind of woman he needs.” It hit me like a sack of bricks because she was correct. I made a trip back home to Georgia last weekend in order to rediscover myself and to be reminded of who I am. I attended church with my cousin, and as is often the case when I attend this particular church, I was invited to sit in the pulpit with the other ministers. I looked over the section of the church where the minister’s wives sit, and it hit me. My entire life I have been raised, trained, and cultivated for the ministry. I have been told that God has called me out of the world to be a light unto the world. I thought back to a night in college before I got married to a conversation I had with my then fiancée. I was almost in a panic because the Holy Ghost was beating me up. I had known then much like I know now the kind of man God had called me to be and the life that He had ordered for me, and I understand then like I understand now that my ability to grow into that measure of a man and to fulfill those promises would be largely determined by the support that I received from my spouse.
I attempted to explain this to her, and in my mind and heart I was trying to excuse her from the obligation of marrying me because I knew that I had not followed the proper pattern for selecting a spouse. She was a beautiful girl with many wonderful qualities, but her shoulders were not designed to bear the weight of the burden of supporting me as a husband. Here I was 22 years old, and being told in my spirit that I needed to end a relationship because it could not support me spiritually. Sitting in the pulpit reminded me that I have known that the kind of woman God intended me to marry is the kind of woman we Southerners commonly refer to as “Preacher wives”. This kind of woman is classy, spiritually attuned, and lovingly supportive of their husbands. They are nurturers, educators, and exemplars to their children. They are solid rocks, confidants, and helpmeets to their husbands. This is the kind of woman I’ve always known that I would and should marry, but it is also a reminder of the kind of man that God has called me to be. I’m not aspiring to the honors of the men or the various positions within the church by any means, but I have known that my life was to be spent in the ministry since I could read. Please don’t misunderstand me and assume that I am suggesting that my former spouse is in any way less important in the sight of God. She is His daughter and has been endowed with gifts and talents that will serve her and the world well, if she so chooses to use them in that manner. What I am saying is that God knew the kind of husband that she needed and the kind of wife she would be, and He knew that we were not what He had designed or ordered for either of us, but He would cease to be God if He interfered with use of our moral agency. Having said all of that, I do believe that I am more accountable than she is for the marriage. The inspiration from the Holy Ghost came to me and I disregarded it. On the surface, any person who used pure logic to make the decision would have looked at her and decided that she was a suitable mate. I hope the same can be said of me. However, such methods of mate selection are to be employed only in the world. I knew prior to that time that I had already been called out of world, and I should have used a less worldly approach to selecting a mate. The scripture in the Doctrine and Covenants (for my non-LDS friends, that it a book of revelations and commandments received mostly through the Prophet Joseph Smith that dealt with the matter of the Church in the early days of the Church) regarding being both called and chosen comes to my mind. The Lord said, “Behold, there are many called, but few are chosen. And why are they not chosen? Because their hearts are set so much upon the things of this world, and aspire to the honors of men, that they do no learn this one lesson…”. As I took out my scriptures to ensure that I quoted that correctly, I saw a note written in the margins that said, “Advice given prior to getting married.” It would seem now that God made a final attempt to remind me of this important lesson. There are many wonderful sisters in the world who are deserving of the best husband possible. I believe that they will be blessed with those husbands in the Lord’s due time and in His way. However, there are some who are of such pure and wonderful fiber, they are called and chosen to be spouses to men for whom the Lord has made special plans. Again, my intent is not to assert or claim that I am any more special than the next guy. I do believe that my responsibilities pertaining to building up the kingdom of God on the earth make me different than the men of the world. Much like the fact that it takes a certain kind of woman to be able to support a husband who is a physician, I believe that when a man is called to be a physician to the Church, he must give special attention to the matter of woman he selects as his spouse. Certainly I saw this play out in my marriage. At one point, I was called to serve as the Young Men’s President (for my non-LDS friends, this is the organization in the Church that has the responsibility for the young men ages 12-17). There were Sunday morning meetings and Wednesday night activities that required my attendance and I would often go to these exhausted because of the battle I had just fought at home about going to the meeting and fulfilling my responsibilities in this calling. I would prefer to end the discussion there because my intent is not to bash her. She is who she is and will never be more or less than what God created her to be. My point to all of this is exactly what my friend suggested when she said that once we knew, as men, the kind of man God has called and created us to be, we will know the kind of woman we should seek as a spouse.
So, here’s my caution. We can err on the side of thinking that we are filtering out the women who are not what we need, but the real invitation is for us as men to rise up to the standard the Lord has set for us. Again, I turn to Latter-day scriptures and the words that Lehi spoke to his sons just prior to his death in the Book of Mormon. 2 Nephi records these words to the sons of Lehi in the first chapter of 2 Nephi. Lehi admonished his sons, “Arise from the dust, my sons, and be men, and be determined in one mind and in one heart, united in all things, that ye may not come down into captivity….Awake, my sons; put on the armor of righteousness. Shake off the chains with which ye are bound, and come forth out of obscurity, and arise from the dust.”
For a moment in my life, and I would suspect that each of us can attest to this, I forgot who I was, and I went off in search of what I needed but instead became content with what I wanted.
Yeah, so I have been doing some soul searching and finding answers that I need in order to move forward. The last piece of puzzle was put into place during a therapy session yesterday at work. I realized that I have been approaching relationships, post-divorce, on high alert for red flags. I think this has hindered me from being able to enjoy relationships. I see how the last one blew up in my face, and even the last dating relationship went south and my first instinct was re-examine it and look for signs that I missed. Sure enough they were there, but had I seen them then, I would not have been able to grow as much from the relationship as I have been. I created this blog to share with you the journey through some first experiences I was having so a second time around. I will admit that I don’t always look beyond what’s in front of me, but I challenge each of you to seek to see beyond what you see with your natural eyes. Many single people are single because they have escaped unhealthy situations. Some are single because they finally heard and listened to the voice of God. We don’t see their scars caused by sharp words, their broken hearts caused by broken dreams or the hand of God guiding them back to their destiny. The Apostle Paul said it best, “For all things are for your sakes, that the abundant grace might through the thanksgiving of many redound to the glory of God. For which cause we faint not; but though the outward man perish, yet the inward man in renewed day by day. For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, worketh for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory; While we look not at things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen: for the things which are seen are temporal; but the things which are not seen are eternal.” Thanks for sharing the journey. There is more to come as I experience many first times at a second chance.
