Making a List and Checking It Twice

I have been trying to give some real thought to my Christmas wish list this year. I’ll admit that this is the first year that I’ve really struggled to decide what, of all things, I really want for Christmas. I understand that there is more to the season than gifts because the Ultimate Gift was given many years ago in a manger.  It seems like every time I sit down to make my list, “All I Want for Christmas is You” comes on, but I’m not a believer in signs like that. God knows my heart, and He knows what I need and what I want, and I trust Him to withhold what I want in order to give me what I need.  However, one of my friends posted the following on her Facebook profile: "This is my wish for you: Comfort on difficult days, smiles when sadness intrudes, rainbows to follow the clouds, laughter to kiss your lips, sunsets to warm your heart, hugs when spirits sag, beauty for your eyes to see, friendships to brighten your being, faith so that you can believe, confidence for when you doubt, courage to know yourself, patience to accept the truth, Love to complete your life."

What a wish! I feel blessed to have learned, in the midst of this year’s storms, to love. At least I am learning that it’s ok to love. Love requires a bravery that I’ve never known in my life. There is a part of me that wants to say, “I love you” but I often fear saying it even though I know what I mean by it. I almost wish I had to bravery to say, “I would tell you that I love you, but I’m afraid of what I might feel on the inside. I am afraid that I might discover feelings of love for you and myself deeper than I’ve ever known before. I am afraid that I can’t hide behind sex and physical connection with you and will be exposed as the intimacy driven being that I am. I am afraid that if I told you that I love you, I will become vulnerable. You will mean more to me than just a friend that I watch the game with or take along for trips to the mall or send texts to or call on a sleepy Sunday afternoon. I am afraid that by admitting to you that I love you, you might discover some weakness in me that may be used against me. I am afraid to tell you that I love you because it means that I am connected to you and are at risk for you choosing to disconnect from me. I would tell you that I love you, but if I did, it would free me in a way that I am not sure I can handle. I have become so comfortable in the prison of my mind that to move into the mansions of my heart would be grossly uncomfortable. I would tell you that I love you, but if I did, you might tell me in return that you love me and I would be in the position of having to accept that love, and I’m afraid to be loved in that way.”

 My fear coming out of my marriage was not that I would not believe in love but that I would accept anything as love. Christmas is about love and giving the gift of love, so why am I so afraid to give that gift to myself and to another person? I mean, my actions surely suggest that I have feelings of love. My prayers surely suggest that I have feelings of love, but my lips cannot form those words in the presence of ears because they make me vulnerable. It wasn’t until last night that I realized just how much love was in my heart. I was chatting with an acquaintance, and the conversation became a bit flirty. I knew it was just conversation, but my soul was disturbed. Finally, I said that we needed to watch the tone of the conversation out of respect for the person who held my heart. It was at that moment that I realized that though my love has no limits, it does have boundaries. Never in my life would I ever want anyone with whom I was in a relationship to have reason to question my loyalty or fidelity. When you give your heart to someone, you are making a real commitment. You are giving them the power to turn off the sun at noonday in your life so to speak. How does a man allow himself to get to that point? It seems that I get to the edge and I realize it is the edge. It’s the edge of reason, the edge of fear, the edge of safe, the edge of everything I know, and just on the other side is a life that I’ve never known. Just on the other side is a life that people talk about, sing about, pray for, wait for, and dream of. I want to be a part of that world, and I can’t get there with one foot planted on this soil. I have to take a deep breath and leap into the water.  So, I guess I’ve made my Christmas wish list for this year, and I put on it the very thing that has guided me out of the darkness of the past and into this marvelous light—love. Simple, reciprocated, unconditional, sweet as Red Velvet Cake, true as the Polar Star, deep as the Atlantic Ocean, endless as the creations of God love! For all who are near and dear to me, I wish this same beautiful gift!

I'm Going to Love the Hell Out of You to Keep the Hell Out of Me

     Divorces and separations are difficult for all involved. I understand that on a real level, however I simply don't understand why people feel the need to inject themselves into other people's business. So, apparently during the course of this whole thing, a mutual associate--I can't really call her a friend because we didn't really interact with her as a couple or as individuals during the marriage--decided that she needed to send an email to a few of the girls I had either dated or befriended in college and "warn" them not to interact with me and to align themselves with my ex-wife because "she doesn't deserve to be treated like this." Wow! As a result, some of the people who had been my primary support system before I got married, have chosen to turn their backs on me at a time when support is one of my greatest needs.To them I say, "I am going to love the hell out of you to keep the hell out of me."
     Whatever the reason may be for your need to shun me, disown me, judge me, or look down on me, have at it! If I choose to treat you like you treat me, I will have become the very thing you have accused me of being. Instead, I am choosing to be grateful that you have decided to surround her with support and love. She will need it. I only pray that you remember to support and love the children as well, who, by the way, still love and adore their father. When you send your emails, be sure to include a prayer request for the children who are forced to listen from the sidelines as you encourage their mother to verbally degrade their father. Include a prayer request for the Bishop who has to counsel with her when she is being influenced by your nosiness. Include a prayer request for your own family that if you should ever be in the same situation that someone would, out of the goodness of their heart, send a chain email to everyone from your past on your behalf.
     Really, people, when did our lives become so darn interesting that everyone wants to be a part of it. I am just wondering where all these "friends" were for the nine of years of trying to get through school, raise kids, start careers, etc? Where were these friends when our children had music recitals, school plays, birthday parties, baby blessings, and all of those things? Where were these friends during finals when we were too stressed to cook? Where were these friends when our marriage was falling apart to offer to watch the kids so we could go to the temple or on a date? For that matter, where were these friends on our wedding day?
     The only one who called me in my darkest hour, at the death of my daughter, is the exact one that has been attacked the most. I won't call her name to protect her and her family, but I will defend our friendship to the death. When she did call that day, she called my ex-wife's phone instead of mine, like a lady. I will admit that I caused her some heartache and pain during the course of friendship, but like a woman of faith, she has forgiven me. We have been able to make the atonement of Christ effective not only in our individual lives but in our friendship, so what gives anyone the right to swoop in and tell us that we can't be friends when in fact, the only reason I know any of the others is because of her. When I was freshly home from a mission and away at school for the first time, she took the time to introduce me to new people. When I was worried about how I would pay for college, she helped me get the ball rolling on the scholarship that would fund my education. So, I hope you all are happy. If your point was to rob me of my support system and cast me down, YOU HAVE FAILED!!!!!
     You see, while I am loving the hell out of you to keep the hell out of me, there is an army---yes, I said an army--of people who love the hell out of me. There is an army of people who roll of bed everyday and pray for me. There is an army of people who check in on me everyday. And I just want you all to know that my army of people join me everyday in loving the hell out you to keep the hell out of me! Now, run tell that!

I Cannot Live in Chaos

This post was written November 28, 2011. Again, I am sorry for the delay.

So the madness is over. For the past five days, I have had the kids alone, and I was reminded of why my marriage ended. It was nonstop drama. Apparently, when a couple divorces, both of them maintain responsibility for family pets even if said pets were “doggie-napped” and taken across the country. That was the drama of my last week, and I finally got to the point where I realized that I no longer lived in that chaos. However, the most telling of the revelations of this past week is that I have come to understand that I CANNOT live in chaos. I just can’t function in dysfunction. So much of my life for the past nine years has been ruled by this kind of dysfunction that I got to the point where I thought this was normal. Every year I would say to myself that next year was going to be better and less chaotic, but each New Year brought a new kind of drama with it. Finally, as I think about this upcoming year, I can get excited because I know that it really will be different because I am in charge of my life again. I had given so much of the power over my life away for the sake of the relationship that I barely existed anymore. There is a huge difference between losing yourself in service and just plain losing yourself. I think we both lost ourselves in an effort to be what the other person needed.

The cure to chaos, in my opinion, is organization. This morning as I sat in the chapel in the Salt Lake Temple, I read D&C 109, the Dedicatory Prayer for the Kirtland Temple.  In it, they were commanded to “Organize yourselves and prepare every needful thing.”  I realized that I had yet to organize my new life.  One of the things that I have realized in the last couple of days is that I am ready for a real relationship. Not counting the  four months that I wrestled with the decision to end the marriage, I spent an additional ten months waiting for it all to be over and reflecting on what went wrong and the changes that I can make in my life to avoid the same mistakes. So, I think a year is plenty of time to give myself to make the decision to start dating again and again prepare for an eternal marriage. After all, this time is certain to be healthier than the last because of the all of the things that I know now about myself and about healthy relationship. After the temple, I talked with Bruce for a little bit, and he suggested that I review my list of desired attributes in an eternal companion. That’s when it hit me that I didn’t have a list, so I sat down and wrote one.  It was a rather spiritual experience. As I looked over my list, I realized that my wish list is so much more realistic than the one I made in college. It reflects my heart, and in reality, I am looking for someone who reflects God’s heart for me. Now that I know what I’m looking for, I will know when I find it.

That brings up a different kind of chaos. I’ve been living in spiritual chaos. I CANNOT live in spiritual chaos either. My faith in God was so shaken by the things that I experienced in my marriage that I had convinced myself that He might actually “command” me to marry someone that I didn’t like. Today, it hit me that God wants me to be happy, and He wants to bless me with joy, happiness, and love. I had to change my prayers from praying for a specific person to just praying for a wife in general who has the attributes I desire or who is at least in the process of developing those attributes. I can’t begin to describe the feeling of hope that returned to my life after making the list. I thought that my list would reflect the person who has been on my mind most, but I was surprised at how candid and unbiased my list is. Granted, if God decided to play Santa and delivered that special person to me for Christmas, I would not be disappointed at all! On the other hand, if there is someone out there that He feels is more compatible and would better compliment my life, I am willing to wait patiently for her to come into my life. Talking with Bruce today reminded me of something that I have been keenly aware of for most of my life. I have always known that my success in life, temporally and spiritually, will be due in no small measure to my choice of a wife. I’ve had experiences in my life where this truth has been manifested plainly and strongly. It is clear now that I cannot afford to choose amiss this time. To do so would be to continue to live in the very chaos that God has lovingly guided me out of over the past year. Recently, I have been comforted by the words of Peter, who said, in part, “Humble yourselves therefore under the mighty hand of God, that he may exalt you in due time; casting all your care upon him; for he careth for you.” I know that God cares for me more than I could ever care for myself. He understands me and knows the desires of my heart. If I want to come out of the chaos, I have to walk a path that is fundamentally different from the path that led me into the chaos from which I hope to escape. So, raise your sparkling cider, and here’s to no longer living in chaos. Cheers!

Strong words, but do I have to lose?

This post was written on November 22, 2011 while I was flying to Utah:

Well, I’m sure many people saw this post coming and I do ask that it not become a point of gossip and that we remember that things in print never go away. My ultimate concern is for my children because this will be the first time they have ever heard of me having feelings for anyone other than their mother. In fact, the whole idea of my liking someone else seems to contradict everything they have been taught about eternal marriage and everlasting love. In their hearts and minds, Mommy and Daddy would always be together, and if we ever did date someone else, it would be because of one us had passed away. Well, having said that, I will share my story. Of course, I will leave out names to protect the innocent.

    One Saturday morning, about twenty years ago at a beauty salon I met this girl. I was there with my mom, and she was there playing with her best friend. She was beautiful. I didn’t know her name and she didn’t go to my school. In fact, I don’t know if I ever asked her name. The following Monday, I asked some girls in my class who used to attend the school she went to if they knew her. They did, and they said that she had a boyfriend. Well, that was the end of that! I would see her in passing, and there was something about her face that was unforgettable. I could pick her out in a room of millions. Well, the years passed, and we went on with our lives. After high school, I went on a mission and returned home two years later. To my great surprise, she was in church my first Sunday back from my mission. She had the same smile from ten years earlier. I didn’t bother pursuing anything because I knew I was home for just a short time before leaving for college, and I had a special friend at that time. I went off the college and got married and started a family, meantime, she joined the church and had a life of her own. When I would visit my mom and attend church with her, I would see her and she would speak. I would always feel a little weird because every time I saw her, my heart would skip a beat.  But I was married, so that was the end of that!

    So, now I find myself single again and she’s single, and I have a major crush on her.  Of course now that I am single, I’m also moving across country. Well, I talked with my best friend, and we decided that the best thing would be for me to write her a letter (yes, people still do that these days!) and tell her what I felt she needed to know before I left. So, five pages and lots of courage later, I dropped the letter off at the Post Office. I was talking to Bruce about what I had written, and he said, “Wow! Those are strong words.” My response was, “Yes, they were strong words, but what do I have to lose?” “Good point” he replied.  It dawned on me that I have nothing to lose and everything to gain by sharing with her the things of my heart. I have waited for over twenty years to share with her how she makes my heart flutter. At this point, I just wonder what the reaction is going to be. Both of us would have to be willing to take a huge risk on this relationship, but I really feel that it would be worth the risk. The coolest thing about this girl is that she embodies everything I mean when I talk about second chances at a first time. I have a second chance to say and do what I was way too afraid to say and do twenty years ago. I don’t know what, if anything will come of it, but I am thankful that she kept the hope of love and being loved alive within me during some times when I had started to wonder if I would ever allow myself to feel these feelings for anyone. The past four months of my life have been bearable because she’s been a part of it. I had to sit on the feelings for so long while waiting to get things finalized with my divorce.  I will admit that I was a bit naïve in thinking that I would be able to make that transition smoothly just because my divorce was final. I have experienced so many different emotions over the past week that I am sure how I am still even willing to consider listening to my heart. Yet, among those feelings have been peace and hope. I feel peace in knowing that gave it my best shot, and that if we don’t end up dating, it would not be because I didn’t make my feelings known. I understand that what I feel is only half of the formula for a relationship, and that I can’t force her to feel something that she doesn’t. If she discovers that she has some feelings for me as well, that will be great. If she decides that, while she is flattered by my words, she would rather just remain friends, I am ok with that because it just means that I need to give it a little more time before God feels that I am ready to find the special person that I will share with my life with now.

  I end where I started, and realizing that among the many conversations that I will have with the kids over the next few days, one of them will need to be about what the divorce means in terms of the fact that both their mother and I will eventually begin dating again at some point, and I want them to understand, that at least from my point of view, I understand that this can be hard for them to understand. I mean, my dad got married while I was on my mission to someone I hadn’t met yet, and it was hard at first, but I learned to make the most of it. It ended up that my stepmother and I got along very well. I guess I never realized how hard my divorce was for other people. (I’ve shifting gears a bit here) Sunday was my last Sunday at church in Georgia and I needed to report to them that the divorce had been finalized so that our records could be completely separated. Up until this time, we had still been listed on each other’s church records as spouses. The system that the church uses to maintain records asked for a reason for the termination of the relationship (i.e.: divorce, death, annulment, etc.). There is a drop down menu, and sensing some discomfort by the clerk, I joked, “Well, it’s a good thing they give a drop down menu or that part could get colorful and not very Christlike.” His response was “This is not something to joke about.” He went on basically about how I should be somber and almost in mourning about the divorce. Sorry, but I can’t because it really needed to happen and probably should have happened sooner.

So back to the kids and telling them about dating again. I think this is going to be hard for them because my starting to date again will solidify this divorce and may dash any hope they have left that we will ever be the family that we used to be. While I have to respect the fact that the kids need time to process this huge loss, I also have to recognize that they may be in mourning for years and I certainly can’t put that part of my life on hold until everyone can agree that it’s time. I want them to get involved in the process, and I will be very honest with them in that I will not introduce them to everyone that I go on a date with because I don’t want them to get attached to people who are not going to be around them. There is so much to this dating thing now that I have kids! But, I return to my hope about getting to know this long lost friend better and perhaps seeing what a long distance relationship will be like for us. I am just glad that I will be across the country when she gets that letter because it left me emotionally naked and vulnerable. I don’t like feeling that way for sure. Well, I guess we will see what happens.

Missing in Action

Perhaps I have been missing in action as far as writing is concerned, but I am back on the money today. There will be a few posts later that were written during this transition back to Utah. I apologize to those who have been waiting. I will attempt to do much better at writing on a regular basis. Not that my life is so interesting, but, as a close friend pointed out last night, I am a huge communicator. I like to maintain my connections with people, and this blog certainly allows me to do that. Now, I hope you are not confused by the title of this post. I don't mean that I have been missing in action as far as writing goes. I think I have been missing in action with regards to love and life. I have to make sure that I do not come across as insensitive to the woman who once held my heart. I'm not going to pretend that I didn't love her or that I don't on some level. You can't spend nearly a decade with someone and all of a sudden stop loving them, especially when you have children together.
I think we both had settled for this shadow of love, and somehow had convinced ourselves that we could survive both as individuals and as a couple on that shadow. However, as my former mother-in-law would say, "You can't live off love and fresh water." I think somewhere along the line, I gave up on the idea of real love. The kind that is about so much more than romance. I gave up on the idea of love that required a complete sharing of self and a vulnerability akin to stepping in ice cold water and dropping your shorts. (Perhaps the men will understand the significance of that!) We all want things that will expand or enrich our lives, but what about the wonderful things that really shrink life down to size and make you see it for what it really is? I mean that kind of love that takes you from the mansions of the world to the porches of country cottages and remind you that life is simple and beautiful. I checked out of the world so long ago in search of what was already under my nose.
After a restless night, I am choosing to check back into the game. It may sound strange, but perhaps to those who have been here, it will make perfect sense. I didn't get divorced to be single. I got divorced because I desired to be happily married, and I had to face the fact it was not going to happen in the situation I was in. For that, I have to take 100% responsibility. If I hurt my former spouse in the process, I apologize.
As a therapist, I know on a real level that relationships take work. They are not for the faint of heart. Unfortunately, I think we do not always consider that fact we will be required to depend on each other at times. All too often, we keep a tally mark of the good deeds we've done in relationships and when things go south, we pull them out to compare and prove that we had been the most committed or most invested. I know I've been guilty of it from time to time.
There is a beauty in checking back into the game of love and life. Perhaps we learn the value of love. Perhaps we learn that we were not created to be alone. Of course, that can be taken to the extreme, and I'm not advocating co-dependency. I am, however, advocating inter-dependency. There is something noble about saying to another person, "I trust you to the level of allowing you to hold my heart and my hand. I trust you with my hopes and dreams. As you work towards being who you were created to be, I will support you, and all I ask is that you do the same for me. When you are too weak to walk, I will carry you being fueled by the memories of having been carried by you in my times of weakness." People may say that I'm a dreamer, but this is the time of love and companionship I witnessed from my maternal grandparents who were married over 60 years before my grandfather passed away. I want what they had, and I'm willing to work to get it, especially seeing how much more fortunate we are in this time than they were in the mid-1940's when they started their journey together. So, for all of those you have been Missing in Action or taken Prisoner of War on the battlefields of love, I say, "Get back in the fight and wave no white flags until the victory is won and you are resting well in the arms of the one you love."